


This is gonna hurt

by ScarsLikeVelvet



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3535907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarsLikeVelvet/pseuds/ScarsLikeVelvet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>„Stop it, Kyo...no more...please.“, he begged softly, leading Kyo from the stage back towards their shared changing room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kyo stood in the middle of the stage, head bowed back and he screamed his lungs out, belting lyrics alternating with the screams.

His button down shirt ripped open, revealing his pale chest to the audience down below.

His body swayed to the pounding rhythm of Shinyas drums and his eyes closed. He did not want to see what was going on off stage. He was lost in the music and his own little hell hole. It didn't even register to him that he lifted his hand, formed it to a claw and started ripping his chest and stomach open. He just continued with the song and lost himself even further.

What registered in his barely conscious mind was the music stopping and someone stepping in front off him. The audience was so silent, you could have heard a pin dropping. His eyes blinked open and Daisuke was standing right in front of him, his hand curled around his wrist, pulling it away from his chest.

 

„Stop it, Kyo...no more...please.“, he begged softly, leading Kyo from the stage back towards their shared changing room.

 

Kyo trudged next to him, still not back to the real world. Daisuke was the only thing holding him tethered to reality and he knew this, so he stopped walking and curled up against the guitarists side, looking at him with pleading eyes, although he did not know for what he was pleading. Probably release from these strange emotions coursing through him and those appalingly dark thoughts. His fingers were still curled into a claw and he wanted nothing more than to rip himself apart again to help anchor himself, but he knew he would not be allowed to do so.

 

Daisuke watched Kyo for a moment and held him close, before he picked him up and walked into their room, sitting down on the couch. His fingers carded through Kyos soft bleached blond hair and he tried to sooth his frayed nerves. „Shhh...I'm here with you, Kyo...Kaoru will stop the concert and you and I we will get you out of your funk...whatever it is...I can't stand it to see you rip yourself apart...“, he whispered and turned Kyos body a little so the arriving medic could tent to the open wounds that littered Kyos body without having to let go.

 

Kyo curled up in Dais lap, letting the medics do as they pleased, because he simply didn't have the energy to protest. His head rested against Dais shoulder and his breathing was still laboured. He tried to stay awake, he really did, but the warmth of Daisukes body and the fingers petting his hair made him drowsy. He felt the soft prick of a needle on the inside of his elbow, but it only registered faintly, before he drifted of into dreamland.

When he woke up, he wasn't at the venue anymore. He would have started to panic, but Daisuke was still with him. He was still curled against him and he could smell him. His eyes slowly blinked open and he watched his surroundings for a few moments.

„Where are we?“, he asked softly, cringing when he felt his throat hurt and constrict. He sounded raspy and totally hoarse.

 

Daisuke sighed softly and he found Kyos disoriented eyes. „You're with me...and we're gonna stay alone for a while. You need to heal and come to terms with everything that happened, Kyo.“, he said.

 

Kyo tilted his head to the side and tried to remember what had happened. It took him a few minutes, but he remembered his voice breaking horribly on stage and him starting to continue to belt out the song instead of singing and finally screaming and himself ripping himself apart. So he deduced he wasn't simply hoarse, but his voicebox was injured. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he buried his face against Daisukes strong chest, trying to drown out the world again.

 

„Hey...hey...Kyo...none of that. You have to rest your voice until the inflamation has gone down and afterwards you will have to have surgery, but the doctor says you will be as good as new. I will stay with you and help. I know you don't like staying at the hospital but given your tendencies to mutilate yourself we thought it best...and we get some time together. Something we both need“, he crooned softly, stroking Kyos back trying to calm him down.

 

The young singer did not respond at first, but after sufficiently calming down he nodded and leaned up to press a shy kiss against the guitarists soft lips, making him smile in the process. He knew tough times were ahead of them and he was more than gratefull Daisuke could stay with him.

He knew what would happen if he stayed here alone.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

He had stayed at the hospital for a week and Daisuke had barely left his side. Honestly the only moment he had been alone, had been when Daisuke had gone to take a shower, but other than that they had been together.

Daisuke had played his acustic guitar for him and told him stories, had told him about his life before he had left Mie and met Kaoru, Shinya, Toshiya and himself, how hard life had been for him and Kyo had listened. Since he had not been allowed to talk since day one, he simply rested curled next do the redhaired guitarist and struggled through the days. He had no means to express himself other than his face and hands and a little notebook which was already filled to the brim with new lyrics and he needed more.

 

Daisukes fingers gently carded through the vocalists hair, trying to sooth the frayed nerves of the young man. He knew it was hard on Kyo not being able to talk and express himself the way he usually did.

He found Kyo was greatly soothed by him playing the guitar and by chance the sound of rain. So he had called Kaoru and told him to find him a CD with the sound of rain, since he could not play the guitar all day long.

 

When Kaoru had brought it to the hospital, Kyo had shyed away from their band leader. Feeling deeply ashamed for his behaviour onstage and afterwards, but Kaoru had only told him, it was okay and he knew he himself would have snapped the same way, if he found he couldn't play his guitar anymore, since this was his way of dealing with conflicting emotions, as Kyos was to sing to get them out of his system.

 

Kyo had smiled shakily afterwards but stayed glued to Daisukes side, which made both guitarists smile some more.

 

Daisuke had taken Kyo into a soft embrace, placing a kiss against his temple. „You are adorable. I know you don't like to hear this, but you are adorable when you go all shy on us, despite the things you do onstage“, he whispered into Kyos ear.

 

The vocalist glared at being called adorable, but consceded the older man was right. It was kind of cute. He had to distinctly different personas. In private he was terribly shy and uncomfortable with expressing his emotions in front of people he did not know really, really well like he did the rest of his bandmates. On stage it was a whole different story. He let go of all restraints on stage and layed himself bare for all the world to see just how hurt, fragile and conflicted he was.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting so patiently ^^

Another two weeks had gone by and Kyo was going stir crazy at the hospital. He had finally been allowed his laptop, after he had filled two notebooks with 250 pages each during one of his bad days and had added an inflamed wrist to his injury list. 

Dai had sat beside hi m during his writing attack and had made no move to stop him, simply because he knew he could not do this to the singer. He was not allowed to speak and making him stop to write as well would only serve to drive him deeper into his depression. He simply made him stop from time to time, so he could eat, drink and rest a bit, something he had done so often during the time he knew Kyo, he did not even have to think about it. He was immensely pleased, when the doctor finally allowed Kyo his laptop and so he sat beside the singer, who was now sporting a brace on his right wrist, typing awkwardly with his left.

Kyo tried to type with his left, but he wasn't in the mood, so he shut down the electric contraption and walked from the desk in his room to the bed, where he curled up.

Dai watched him and after a few minutes, he sat down beside the curled up singers form and carded his fingers carefully through the thick locks. The blond was growing out and Dai knew he would want to either dye it or cut it off sooner rather than later, but the doctor wouldn't let Kyo leave the hospital, because he thought Kyo would flee the country or something other mad thing. Dai knew the doctor was right, but he could still understand. "You know, they will let you leave as soon as you have recovered from surgery, right?", he asked his now boyfriend.

Kyos eyes flickered open and he nodded, showing he knew and he shrugged. They still hadn't told him, when this surgery would take place. He was getting restless cooped up in this tiny little private hospital room without being allowed to go out or train his body and his usual coping-method was heavily frowned upon and he did not know what to do with himself.

"I wish we were back at home, so I could do more than just cuddle and pat you…this is not where I want to make love to you for the first time, so I will refrain, but I guess this would help you cope and help to pass the time for both of us. These doctors don't really know what's good for you…guess I will have to let my warumono go on a rampage soon, so you can let of some steam.", Dai told him after a while of utter silence in the room.

The singer listened to Dais words and snorted softly at the thought of making love in this shabby hospital bed, but he liked the sound of going on a rampage. His eyes gleamed with interest and he sat up, leaning against Dais side.

The door opened and a young doctor he didn't know came into the room. He introduced himself and told Kyo that he would be the anesthetist during the surgery and that he wanted to talk to him about allergies and so on.

Dai couldn't help but snort. "Sorry, buddy, but Kyo won't talk to you…he hasn't been allowed to utter a peep for three weeks now and he wouldn't talk about shit like this with you. All his data is in his file, so you will have to go with that. Things haven't changed since his last surgery, so use that. Besides, when will the surgery take place, how long will it be and when can I finally take him home so he doesn't go on a murdering rampage", he asked, smiling inwardly, because he knew all Kyo wanted was to go home, sleep in his own bed and finally get better.

Taken aback the young doctor stared at Dai for a few minutes, before he gathered his wits and answered his questions to the best of his ability. "Surgery will take place tomorrow around eleven o'clock. It will take about two to three hours from beginning to end, if there are no complications. As for your friend to go home … it will depend on how he heals after surgery and his mental health."

"…well then he won't get to go home ever again", Daisuke said dryly and shrugged.


	4. Chapter 4

When Kyo woke up after his surgery , he was in pain. Even before he opened his eyes, tears of misery were leaking down his soft cheeks and when he tried to swallow the pain turned to agony und the instinctively uttered whimper made his throat burn and silent tears were now streaming down his face. His sight was blurred, but he saw the red blob next to his bed hold something out to him, so he opened his mouth and a shudder raced through his body, when some ice chips were dropped onto his tongue. The ice soothed the burn a little bit, but not much. Since he couldn't talk, he tried to put his hand against his throat, but Dais hand curled around his wrist.

He sat beside Kyos bed, ever since he had been brought back after surgery. It had taken longer and been a little bit more complicated than anticipated but it had gone well. Dai had been nervous as hell, since Kyo had been so pale and his breathing slightly erratic after being under narcotics for quite a bit longer than he had ever been before. While waiting for the young vocalist to wake up, he had called Kaoru and told him about the doctors findings during the operation and how he felt, if only to pass the time a bit. Soft whimpers had alerted him to Kyo waking up and he had gone to fetch a glass of ice chips, since he knew they were allowed to sooth Kyos throat. The painful whimpers and the tears streaming down Kyos cheeks made his heart ache. He wanted to take Kyo into a warm embrace and shelter him, but he knew the vocalist had to wake up properly for this, so he gave him a few ice chips and caught his hand, when he wanted to put it against his throat. "Hey, sweety…don't do that…it will only hurt more.", he whispered softly and stroked the captured wrist with his calloused thumb. He watched honey brown eyes flutter open once more and could see the questions inside, so he answered. "…all things considering the surgery went well, although it took a bit longer than anticipated. You will be up and about soon enough and we finally get to go home for quite a while." He put the ice chips down and put the now freed hand against Kyos soft cheek. "I'm happy this is finally over and I have you back"

The vocalist leaned into the soft, cool touch and smiled softly, although he was still hurting, he could bear the pain, now that his throat wasn't so dry anymore. Sluggishly he lifted his hand and put it over Daisukes. He wanted to show him he was happy too, but all to soon all the medications still in his bloodstream caught him again and pulled him back under. He went back to sleep and his hand dropped back onto the bed.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, when Kyo went back to sleep. He had anticipated more of a struggle and seeing Kyo in pain wasn't on top of his to do list, but it couldn't be helped. He picked his silent vigil back up and hoped for the best.


End file.
